


Aftermath

by Jo (jmathieson)



Series: Tangents and Intersections ~ Kink Bingo 2013 [64]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Abstinence, Angst, Community: kink_bingo, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hand Jobs, M/M, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Post-Avengers (2012), Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-22
Updated: 2013-09-22
Packaged: 2017-12-27 07:07:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/975909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jmathieson/pseuds/Jo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint starts to come to terms with the past few weeks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Aftermath

**Author's Note:**

> Kink Bingo Round Six (2013) ~ Orgasm Denial/Control

"How about you let me take care of that, rather than running away to jerk off in the shower like you've been doing?"

It was morning and they were in bed in their suite of rooms in Stark Tower. Phil had been out of SHIELD Medical for a week, but almost everything they did still revolved around his recovery: physio, tests, doctor's appointments and so on. Through it all, Clint was there. Helping when Phil needed him to help and standing by and letting Phil struggle to do something on his own when he needed that. 

Clint jerked away from where Phil's hand was reaching towards his groin.

"No. I'm not... I wasn't..."

"You weren't running away to jerk off in the shower? Clint, you always jerk off in the shower when you wake up with morning wood and we're not having sex."

"Things change," Clint said roughly, and moved away, more slowly this time, slipping out from under Phil's hand on his thigh.

"Clint."

"I don't want to talk about it, OK?"

"No, Clint, it's not OK," Phil said softly and gently. "This is a... significant change in your behaviour, and that scares me."

"Shit." Clint flopped back onto the pillow. That was pretty much the only thing Phil could have said to make him talk about it. Maybe he could be reassuring enough... 

"It's not... it's not what you think."

"What do I think?"

"I dunno, something about Loki or PTSD or some shit like that."

"Yes, those were two things that had crossed my mind."

"Well it's not."

"Isn't it?"

"No. Not... Shit. Phil, I really, really don't want to talk about this now. Yet. It's fine. I'm fine. It's not a big deal."

"You'll be willing to talk about it later?"

"Yes."

"How much later?"

"I don't know, when you're... better."

"When we're able to have sex again? Is that what this is about? You don't want to jerk off because we can't fuck right now?"

"No. It's not that."

"Good, because you know that I'm going to be on the blood pressure medication for at least another month, so that's the soonest I'm going to be able to get it up."

"I know. You made sure I was there and paying attention when the doc explained about the side effects of the medication. I'm fine with that, Phil. So long as you're getting better, that's what's important."

"It would be OK if you weren't fine with it. If you were frustrated, or upset, or angry, or even a little depressed about it. It would be OK."

Clint managed not to snort out a laugh at that. 'Bullshit!' he wanted to yell, 'It so would not be OK!' Instead he just stayed quiet, lying on his back and staring up at the ceiling, trying to ignore Phil's hand on his thigh, thumb rubbing in tiny circles, and his hard-on which was still stubbornly tenting the sheets.

"When's the last time you jerked off, Clint?"

Clint sighed. His options were to refuse to answer, which would make Phil even more scared and worried about him; lie, which he wouldn't - couldn't do; and tell the truth, which was the least of three evils.

"The day before my world went blue."

"That's over a month ago."

"Yeah, well. While I was under Loki's control, I never had the urge. Then there was the Battle, and then you were in a coma. I didn't feel so much like it while I was waiting to find out if you'd ever wake up, you know."

"Yes. And after that?"

"Look, I just... I just don't want to right now. OK?"

"Don't want to what? Don't want to jerk off? Don't want to come?"

Clint closed his eyes.

"Why don't you want to come, Clint? Did Loki do something? While you were..." Phil's voice had gotten even softer, even more gentle.

"No! Fuck! It's nothing like that, Phil. He didn't do anything, except, you know, make me kill a bunch of people."

"Is that...?"

"No! Phil, it's not something Loki did, or made me do, it's not... Fuck. It's everything. OK? It's fucking everything. Loki fucking up my head, you dying, the Battle, me not dying, seeing you on the fucking operating table, waiting to find out if you'd live, if you'd have brain damage when you woke up, if you woke up... doing everything I've needed to do since then... it's just... everything." Clint’s fists were clenched tightly under the sheets.

"You've been holding it together."

"Yeah." Clint's tone said 'Duh, obviously.'

"You've been holding it together for weeks. Doing everything you need to do. Taking care of me. Being strong for me."

"It's... What I need to do. You'd do it for me."

"Yes. I would." Phil was quiet. "What are you afraid is going to happen if you let go?"

"I'll fall apart." The words were a frightened whisper.

"Clint. It's OK. It's OK to let go, even if you fall apart, I'm here."

"I can't. You need me."

"Yes. I do. I love you and I need you. But it's OK for you to need me, too."

"But you're still... you're not..."

"Strong enough?" Phil hitched himself over so that he was lying on his bad side, facing Clint. "Clint, please look at me. Please."

Clint rolled onto his side so that they were face-to-face.

"Clint, I promise you that I'm well enough, strong enough to be here for you. To do this for you. To hold onto you while you let go, and to help put you back together again if you fall apart. I swear it, Clint." He put his good hand back on Clint's thigh. "Please. Let me." 

Phil didn't move. Didn't push. Just asked, and then waited.

"I... you need to promise me, Phil. You need to promise that you won't do anything that might be dangerous. That if your heart rate gets too high or you feel dizzy or anything hurts or just... anything. That you'll stop right away. I need you to promise me that."

Clint couldn't imagine that lying in bed, jerking him off was going to be more taxing on Phil's repaired heart and lungs than walking half-a-mile on a treadmill, which Phil had been doing every day for the past five, but he wasn't willing to take any chances.

"I promise."

Clint took a long, deep breath in and out.

"OK. Go ahead."

Phil didn't move his hand immediately to Clint's hard dick. Instead he started rubbing small circles with his thumb again, looked into Clint's eyes, and said, 

"Kiss me."

Clint leaned forward and kissed Phil. Softly at first, but Phil's lips were demanding, his mouth was hot and wet and open and it had been so long and it felt so good...

They'd kissed, of course, soft, loving, gentle kisses, but nothing with any heat or passion. Part of Clint wanted to stop. To check. To make sure that this wasn't going to make Phil's heart rate spike or something, but part of him wanted it so badly, so desperately. Phil had promised. And he had sworn he was OK.

So Clint kissed Phil and Phil kissed Clint back. And after a minute he felt Phil move his hand. He felt soft, familiar fingers stroking lightly up the underside of his dick. He was so hard and so tight and so... he gasped as if Phil's touch burned. Phil stopped moving, but didn't pull his hand away. Just left his fingers gently touching as he pulled back from the kiss to ask,

"Are you OK?"

"Yeah. Yeah, it's just... it's been, well, you know. It's not going to take much," he was almost apologetic, embarrassed.

"That's OK, just let me take care of you, please. Let me help."

"Yeah. OK." Clint leaned his forehead against Phil's, looking into his eyes from inches away. Phil began to move his hand, fingers curled lightly around Clint's dick, in long, slow, sweeping, gentle strokes from base to tip, just the way Clint liked it. 

Clint moaned. He put his hand on Phil's hip and gripped, needing an anchor. His balls were tight and hard and sore. His dick was so hard it hurt. Phil's gentle touches quickly brought him right to the edge... the edge...

"Let go, Clint. It's OK. I'm here. I've got you. You're OK, you can let go. Clint, I've got you."

The soothing words washed over him. And he tried. Tried to let it happen, tried to let go. But it... he... 

Phil knew. Phil somehow understood what he needed. His tone was still gentle, but no longer soothing, instead:

"Clint, I'm here. You're safe. Let go. Come for me, Clint. Now."

Clint's body responded to Phil's demand, and Clint was coming... coming... coming for what seemed like forever. Spiraling loose and free and... Phil kissed him. Softly, gently, lovingly.

"I've got you, Clint. You're OK. I've got you."

"Yeah," he gasped out. "Yeah. I'm OK. God. Phil. God. I need... I just need... Hold me?"

"Come here." Phil pulled him closer, wrapped an arm around his back. Clint put his chin over Phil's right shoulder, and tangled their legs together.

"I was so scared. Oh God, Phil, I was so scared."

"I know. I know, it's OK." Phil rubbed his back soothingly.

"When Nat told me... that you were dead, and how. I just... it was like everything stopped. And then Cap came, and said we had to fight. And I figured fine, that's OK, that's the solution. I mean, I wanted a shot at Loki, sure, but I figured I'll shoot until I run out of arrows, and then I'll hit something until I can't hit it any more, and then I'll go up against something three times my size and I'll die too, and then it'd be OK, because I died trying to save the world, like you did. But then, we were there, and we were a team, and I couldn't let them down. Because they were fighting for you. I remember thinking how proud you'd be that Captain America was leading the team that was fighting to avenge your death. I couldn't let him down. I couldn't let you down. And that's when I knew, really knew that you were dead. And it hurt so much. But I just kept fighting, and fighting, and so did the rest of the team, and we won. Somehow, we won. But it still hurt so much..."

Phil murmured, "It's OK," and "I love you," and rubbed Clint's back and held him for a very, very long time.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks always to my excellent editors t! and Shazrolane.
> 
> Find me on Tumblr at: [Queen of Wands](http://jmathieson-fic.tumblr.com/)


End file.
